Aps application

I don’t believe how hard and annoying the APS 5 and 6 applications are. It long tedious and some dude will take 3 mins to read and then fling it off to the crap pile. Other grads are going to take my job since I’m the biggest failure out there…..complaining and using the F word as a statement of my current distress is doing the poor F word injustice as my situation is beyond a measley swearword.

On a side note, I got my Xmas gift and was two awesome cars. One of speedracer and one if bond.

The house is messy, my nose/chest is blocked and my hair is falling off.

My life is a ruined mess and I had no idea how it became that. I was smiling along and bang smack, reality hit me straight in the face with a nose bleed and a broken heart.

Fucking stocks

Selling buying… Dunno why and how I could have lost so much money. Selling all my good stocks and buying crap ones. No fucking idea….. I save but all if that is to support other people’s gains. Fuck fuck and stupid caltrex, tab a stupid decisions make me lose money.

I hate my life. Crap finances, deteriorating health, boring job….. I had it all and lost it. Shit.

Phone call

I called her, not because I want to. It’s because I’m obliged to. In a sense I was hoping she wouldn’t answer. Did she ruin the relationship or is it me? I sense a slight degree of coldness, a tinge of separation. Man…. I really like her. But….. It’s always the buts that ruin everything. I can’t name it but maybe she doesn’t appreciate me and hold too much back from me. Oh well ill see. If anything happens you will be the first to know.

Ill regret this sale

I sold my WBC and I know that it’ll go up and up. Ill regret and regret but why????!?????? Did I do it. I chickened out so why the fuck. I don’t know. Some things cannot be explained. I’m sooooo stupid.

One step at a time

I’m getting further and further but I really need to quit to make the most of it. I need to sleep now… I feel sickening ATM.

iPod touch

300 isn’t much but is it worth it? Not really as she is leeching off me. To care I do not. I think I’ve lost the love and it’s mutual. The gift is a goodbye gift. Hahaha, she’s funny and way too shy.

Breakup

The money question now is how to break up. It can be harsh or subtle. If it’s going nowhere and it’s forcing me to be someone I’m not or you are not worth my time and money. You rarely treated me like you are my girl. I gave you everything and you…. I’m speechless. I’m probably just giving myself reason cos I’m bored. I’m having my problems and I don’t want to share it with you. Why me? My now? Why so early. I shouldn’t be worrying about my genes at this time. Everyone is lucky but me. I tried everything to retain but it’s not working and it’s killing me. I’m not talking about her, I’m talking about myself. Shit, fuck, why?????? Is it a sign that I should not care?

Back to her, if she splits up with me, I’m fine with that. Do I want that? Not really but that will definitely happen because she’s not serious about the relationship and because of that, I never was. When she’s keeping so much about herself from me how could I go further. She’s not opening herself to me. I know nothing about her. She great but I’m just not good enough for her. I know I am but from the outset, I’m not. Externally I have deficiencies but I’m a good person. Caring and willing but that is not good enough for her. I don’t have the external support.

One way is the direct way, just say it to her face without warning. Vouch never to see her again.

Another is to force her to break up with me, easy. Good for both sides, u wouldn’t have the emotional burden and no one will say it’s my fault.

Or we can just have an argument and then then use that as an excuse, make her say ‘let’s split up’ and then accept it and weep. I probably wouldn’t find another but that’s life…. Right? Be sucessful and then die alone. Or I can chase my spirituality. Or just be a bum. She is my record, and possibly my past. There’s nothing to lose. I have my health, my family, my future without you. I’ve been hurt before and I guess once is enough.

Should I break up? Since it’s Xmas, Maybe next year. I would want to reach 1 year. But how can I plan when so much has happened in less than 6months. Or should I say, too much ‘loss’ and very little progression.

I have everything I wished for but I can predict I will lose everything real soon. That’s life, I hate it, I feel that life is so pointless. I know the true meaning of life, and that is to control it and to end it at will.

Going back to her, before I was always tossing up between to go or not to go for a girl but now it’s to end or to continue. There is no reason but life has no reason. We act irrationally and that’s human nature. My reason to breakup is because I feel she wants to. I’m pre-emting the event and causing it. I feel pressured and righteous in doing so. I have all the time but I’m wasting it on something, someone that is not worth the effort.

1,2,3,4: should I go out the door? 5,6,7,8: I should leave because it’s late. 9 and 10: it was fun but it’s our end.

Material

I like her very much, more than my bench mark M? Probably. I enjoying being with her and I’m probably blind to her deficiencies but I don’t care. The money question is whether I’m prepared to marry her? She’s good but is she the material? She probably is but am I the right stuff? I wish I was cos she is too good for me.

She’s away in cbr

And I’m here thinking about our future. I do enjoy being with you but…. I want more. I want her to be more accomodating, less shy and less evasive. She is hiding from me. Have other motives.. .

I think im just expecting too much from her, she is nearly perfect but it’s the minor things that annoy me. Hmm…. She acts in front of me. At least I’m special enough for her to act. I’ll see how it pans out. Good? Bad? I don’t care. Gain?。loss? It’s all about degree.

Although im with her, i’m still making Comparisons. Making me think, and I lucky or am I just blind.

Man

Walking past you made my heart go weak, for a second i was in shock. We each stole a glance and walked on. I didn’t look back. For a moment I was disorientated…. I was chatting away and I became speechless. The sight of you made my heart skip a beat. Its a shame we walked our separate ways acting as though nothing happened between us. It could have been different if only you gave me another chance. All I can say is, you missed out.

You walked
I sulked
I loved you
But there’s nothing I can do

Man…. I loved you

Now I have Carmen and she is the best. At least she appreciates me. A bit shy but I don’t care as I love her. I miss her. But I cannot forget mdk.